The number one loss from our infertility, for both of us, was the loss of control. I was surprised my husband felt the same way, ranking this as his number one loss, too. I know I like to be in control, even when I’m not the best driver. I like to know what’s going on now and what curve will be next.
Yet, sometimes a bit of uncertainty about what’s around that next bend keeps me in the present and, also, it gives me the chance to experience mercy and love. When a dream job in the right location opened up, I told my husband to go for it. Moving now would undermine our three-year-plan to quickly pay off our student loan debts, but he was so excited to accomplish three other goals: stay in the state, join a parish we like when we visit that town, and try a different job in his field.
I closed my eyes and gripped the figurative passenger side oh poo handle, as my husband calls that strap above the side window. I was in the seat of a rollercoaster. I felt hopeful for his sake, but my stomach clenched hard with the pain of planning to give up on accomplishing our debt-free goal that is a key stepping stone to getting pregnant with an adopted child. Once the job application was in, while we waited to hear back, I shared my fear and discontent with my husband. And we both waited, knowing we were not in control for the time being.
When the curve straightened out, we came around the bend a heck of a lot faster and more in one piece than I’d anticipated. My husband replied to an email, tactfully making it known that he’d be interested in the position at some future time but, for now, he cannot pursue this job with its lower salary.
Tonight, my husband and I attended his school’s prom as chaperones. I guess I see, again, that teaching does have its benefits. Each year I get to be my husband’s prom date. This year, to fit with the Las Vegas theme, he was asked to deal poker. He loves poker. The odds of the cards are calculated in his head, and he just gets the numbers in a way I do not. I do get the body language and camraderie of those around the table. Mostly, I love being my husband’s date.
Tonight when we took a timeout to dance, we both laughed and sang and laughed. With my prom sweetheart, I enjoyed the ride and let him lead, knowing he’d watch out for me, including the me that’s part of our “us” with all of the attached hopes and dreams.
Whatever is ahead, we’ll be together…and we’ll definitely make the best of the journey together…in or out of control as we may be.